An SK Production: I Remember.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Chapter 5: A Walk Down The Path of Destruction

Flip, flip, flip.
As I leafed through the pages of my yearbook,
I paused to look at the faces of people whom I once knew.
I took a brief glance at their profile,
remembered the various incidents in which they were involved,
a tiny smile creeped up my face,
and then I would proceed back to my flipping.
When I arrived at the page of my class,
I couldn't stop my eyes from looking down the page immediately,
in search of a particular something, or to be more precise,
a certain someone.
When I saw his profile, I felt a gush of memories rushing towards me.
Too many things to remember, too many things I've remembered.
Slowly, I placed the yearbook aside.
I sat in silent, staring at the white wall before me.
I began to recap our incidents, his incidents...
Starting from the age of 5...
When the movie that was playing in my head was finally over,
I felt exhausted. Remembering 7 years of events was not easy indeed.
However thrilling it felt when the incidents was being replayed in my head,
I knew that I had to move on.
It was time to embrace a new chapter of my life.

I stood outside the corridor of my classroom,
my arms resting lightly on the metal railing.
It just rained. The air was cooling.
I took in a deep breath of the refreshing air. Just what I needed.
As I stood gazing at the open field, a million thoughts rushed through my head.
They were all questions and more questions and more questions.
Questions that I did not have an answer to.
I looked back over the past few months of my life,
what a drastic change.
Is this really what I want...? Sigh..

I turned around and faced the source of the calling, Alice.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hmm..? Nothing."
"Oh.. Okay." She dragged her monotonous answer.
"Why? Whats wrong this time?"
I breathed out a huge sigh. "Whats wrong with Darren again?"
"He just keeps on pestering me!!"
"I thought you liked the attention??"
"Well.. Yeah I do." She admitted sheepishly.
"Then.. Whats wrong now?"
"Well!! I just don't think I'm ready to be with him. Yet!" She exclaimed.
"Then just tell him that lah! It's pointless toying with him." I reasoned her out.
"But! I've developed feelings for him...." She whispered.
"Then just be with him, for god's sake!"
"But but! I'm not ready yet! I've heard that this relationship thing is really complicated and troublesome! You've got to.. Got to hold hands lah, go out on dates lah, hug each other lah, and and! The worst of all, you've got to kiss!!" She gave me a disgusted face.
I laughed. "I'm still going to say the same thing, you either tell him, yes. Or No. Simple as that. Just make sure that you don't regret later for making the wrong decision."
"Bah... You're of no help at all!" She grumbled.
"Hahaha.. I never said I would be. And for the matter of fact, I'm inexperienced in this kind of stuff. So all my advices would be-"
"Shit crap." She finished off my sentence for me.
We ended our conversation with fits of laughter.

We walked back into the classroom,
exchanging grins on the way.
We turned our heads in unison to face the source of the voice.
"Hello Darren." I greeted.
Darren flashed me his trademark smile, yet his eyes never left Alice.
"Yes Darren?" Said Alice.
Darren shrugged his shoulders and began talking aimlessly,
diverting Alice's attention to him.
Together, they walked into the classroom, deep in their conversation,
with me, forgotten, trailing behind them into the classroom.
I looked at them and envy surged through me.
I wanna be loved too, I wanna love someone too.....

A week later, Alice was together with Darren.
The happy couple went everywhere together.
They came to school together, they sat together in class,
they partnered each other for projects, they sat together during breaktimes....
Everything that they did, they did it together.
From a physical point of view,
it seemed as though they were deeply in love.
But as Alice's good friend, I knew that it was nothing more than just lust.
With raging hormones, they were just two people of different genders,
submitting to the control of the pesky hormones.
Without love, the feeling would soon be gone, just as quickly as it came.
Infatuation, is the word of description.
Although, they weren't together because of love,
the two of them had created quite in a chaos in class.
People were reeking of jealousy, and I was unfortunately, one of them.

I was blinded by the desire to be with someone,
I yearned to be with someone so desperately,
that I started throwing all my feelings around.
To take an extra few more glances at guys,
to hear my voice turning up an octave higher when I spoke to guys,
to hear my voice coated in a sugary-covering,
to see myself watching my every move whenever I'm around guys.
The more I did these stuff, the more I felt disgusted with myself.
I felt like a slut, I felt like a bitch, I didn't feel like Vera anymore.
What had happened to me? I didn't know.
I tried shying away from guys, but I simply couldn't.
Like the opposite ends of a magnet, I was attracted to them.
I was helpless, I was hopeless.
I had thrown myself into a pitch black ditch that was so deep that I could see no ends,
and neither could I climb out of that ditch.
I thought I was in a major disaster then,
but what I had never expected was for more to come in the next few years......

Like all major disasters, it began slow.
So slow that you've never anticipated the magnitude of its disaster.
A disaster, a catastrophe, a calamity, a cataclysm, a tragedy...
was about to occur, because I had allowed it to take place.

It all began with one text message.
"Buzz, buzz."
I looked up from my desk which was overflowing with all my worksheets and notes.
Who in the world would SMS me? I thought.
I was then, a good little girl.
One who barely used her handphone even though I owned one.
Pushing a few buttons on my handphone,
the text message was opened.
"Hello, are you Vera?"
Beads of cold sweat began pushing itself through my pores,
I shivered in fear.
The number was not familiar,
and this unknown person even knew my name. What should I do?
"Yes, I'm Vera. Who are you?" I texted back.
"Someone from the same school as you." Was the reply I received.
"Okay... Who are you?"
"Are you going to tell me who the hell are you?!?!"
"Woah... Chill man. Relax..."
"Who the shit are you? How'd you get my name and my number?"
"Okay okay, relax. I'm Charlie. I'm from the class next to you. I got your number from Alice. Don't scold her please. She meant no harm. "
What the shit. Despite the plea for Alice, I was ready to pounce on her tomorrow in school.
And for the next few days, I was attached to my phone. I was never away from it.
I could be seen texting everyday, and it was to the same recipient.
It seemed so harmless then.
But I was wrong. Very very wrong....

-To Be Continued-