I'm so tired. Exhausted, actually.

Monday, June 7, 2010



You said you wouldn't rush me. You said that I could take my time. What is this now? You're not the only human on earth, not the only person in my life. I thought that among everyone else, you would at the very least be more understanding than all the others, and not add anymore pressure to me. I'm not expecting you to help relieve me of my problems, just.. don't add to it at least. Why did you have to go on and mention things which you know I won't like to hear, things which I'm trying my hardest to ignore, things which I don't wanna know, things which I'm trying my best to forget. I just wanna smile. Don't do things which would wipe my smile off my face.

I have so many masks to put on in my everyday life - one for each person I know in my life. I have to live up to so many different expectations, tend to so many different demands. It's tiring you know. I don't blame you if you say something wrong once in awhile, but don't go saying it deliberately. I'm sorry that I'm so temperamental now, I'm just going through alot of things. I really need you to be understanding. It's not like I expect you to be there for me, I don't need it. I'm sorry that you have to put up with these nasty moodswings of mine. I'm really sorry... I'm just really tired from everything.

I'm sorry that I care for him, he is sick and I made him a promise that I will be there for him always. I don't wanna break a promise, and I don't think you want me to either. Please understand my situation. I don't know whats going on either, I wish I do. I'm very confused. Everything has been really confusing. I bit off more than what I can chew, and I'm trying really hard to digest every bite that I've taken. I don't know what I've done to my life and whats gonna become of it. I'm just trying to live my life to the fullest, live it to the best.
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I need a break. I wanna run away from everything. I wanna breathe. Give me some air.  I'm so tired. I wanna smile. I don't wanna cry anymore, I don't wanna break down anymore. Take love away from me, why is it so sweet yet so bitter and sour at the same time? I want back my innocent childhood days... Actually, how innocent can my childhood days be when they are filled with love too - I had a sweet crush for a boy. Why is being a mortal so complex? On a second thought, the life of a mortal is actually very simple and short, love is the only thing which made everything so complicated, tiring and miserable. Yet then again, love is the thing which makes being a mortal such a wonderful thing. Someone once told me, Love is irrational. Love is unexplainable. Love is everything.. That I agree..

The last time I felt like this, he came into my life, swept me off my feet and took me to far far away land on his white horse. Well, that was before he turned and walked away, taking his heart with him, leaving me stranded on that deserted island. Sounds kind of silly and stupid to say this but even though I've been so badly hurt before, I'm still hoping that someone can do that again.

This kind of reminds me of the time I got attacked at a void deck. I remember being so scared, crying my eyeballs out, shivering non-stop with fear. I called him. And within 15 minutes, he was standing right infront of me, the only thing separating the two of us was a road. Once the 'green man' came on, I dashed across the road, right into his arms and another wave of tears came flooding my cheeks again. It had taken me 15 minutes to calm myself down and to stop crying but seeing him, being in his safe and warm embrace, it was all it took to summon back my tears. I remember him stepping out of the car, that scene, it was oh-so-prince-charming-to-the-rescue, that suave-ness, unforgettable. (I'm sorry la!!! But it really gave me that kind of feeling what! Stop eating vinegar! Bad for your kidney!! Yes, I'm referring to you!) And here is a tinge of irony, I think it was coincidental, but a gust of wind blew at his hair at that very instant when he climbed out of the car and walked towards me, and the wind ruffled his hair the way like how they do it in the movies (eg. Shrek - Prince Charming and his stupid hair/head swing motion) and then you get that 'Ohmygod! This guy is so cool, so handsome, so amazing!' feeling. Ya right, you people can go ahead and laugh your head off. Humph. You people are just jealous that you never got to experience this kinda feeling in reality and you've got to try and understand through some stupid movie through the shoes of some fictional character in the show, through some make-up scene. That feeling is just so.. 'WOW!'
Ok, I'll shut up now, I'm just giving you freaks a reason to laugh at me. Harrumphh.

Shall stop here tonight. I still wanna blog at my private blog. I think this entry was done pretty well since I started writing it with a heavy heart but here I am ending it with a light-hearted feeling.


Just like the writing on this Nohohon Zoku. A big hug with lots of love! ♥

Goodnight peeps! Xoxo.