The battlefield for survival or for love?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Just because I don't love you the way you want me to, it does not mean that I don't love you. You say I don't appreciate the things that you do, but I do, I really do. Instead, I think that you are the one who doesn't appreciate the things I do, the things that I have done silently for you. I know I am contradicting my own words by expecting you to appreciate something which you do not know that I have done for you, I suppose this is because I am getting quite tired from you not seeing me.

Today, as I stood before the toilet bowl in one of the cubicles in the girls' toilet, holding my hair up with one hand, while regurgitating everything that I had ate in less than 5 minutes ago, something in me tweaked. I finally realised, how sick I actually was. How loving you has resulted in my illness. There is no physical cure for it, I can't expect to take paracetamol or lomotil or some other drug, and be cured like all other illnesses. This is different. And honestly, I know there is a cure, there are many cures in fact, it's just that which cure is the right one to take? Till I know which cure is the right one to take or perhaps the cure that I wish to take is finally available for me, I will do my best to fight to live. Hoping that for each day that I manage to survive, I am one step closer to my desired outcome.

As much as I hate running, I know how crucial the last lap is. It isn't about who crosses the finishing line first or who crosses the finishing line last. It is about giving your all, throwing all caution into the wind, giving it your best shot, and most importantly, being glad that at the end of the race, you went through all that shit.. And didn't give up. Everyone wants to win, but really, is winning that important? The medal that you get, will merely be sitting in a corner of your room, gathering dust. It is however, the experience that you will always remember, that will never be forgotten. And so, I will throw all caution into the wind, and give it my best shot. Praying that at the end of this race, my efforts will pay off.. Because really, even though it isn't all about winning, everyone hates losing.