Responsibility VS Desire

Saturday, December 11, 2010



I thought I was doing the right thing. Fulfilling a promise. Living up to my responsibility. Saving a life. But in return, I had to lie, I had to struggle to keep up to my lies, I had to feign my interest, I.. was practically killing myself.

The burden is so heavy, it is causing my shoulders to sag. I felt like running away. Even though I would probably be the first in history if I did so! My heart and my mind were screaming "NO!" at me.. However, I still forced myself to undergo that procedure which was suppose to be a happy one, and was instead filled with reluctance and guilt. I know it wasn't real. And I should just push it to the back of my mind. Afterall it made someone smile.. It made someone else really happy. But it didn't make me happy. It made me wanna run away even more. It made me wanna hide. It made me wanna vanish into thin air. Everything about it.. was just wrong.

I want so badly to tell you the truth. The truth that I am not happy when I am with you, that is why I am giving you the cold shoulder, that is why I am running away from you, that is why I am hiding from you. The person I am happy with is him. Because of him, I find myself laughing, I find myself smiling, at the most absurd things ever! However I can't.. because evidently I tried it today, and you went berserk. And so I had to tell more lies, just so you would calm down.. You know it too that we are impossible, yet you keep trying to stretch the boundary and exceed the limit. To be honest, I am counting the days till you leave for NS. So that once you are gone, I can be freed from the fucking prison that you are trying to lock me in. Well perhaps there is one thing that you do not know about me, I am free like the birds in the sky. Only one person can tie me down, and that person is most definitely not you. I will roam freely, I will soar freely, in the vast blue skies. 3 more days... I'll just have to hang in there for just 3 more days. I'll just have to put on a show for 3 more days, I'll just have to tell more lies for 3 more days.

You can stay in your fantasy world. But I'll bring him into my reality. Fuck to you and all your lunatic friends. For the first time ever, I can't wait to say goodbye to someone. Oh wait, I think this is perhaps the second time? The first time being the time I went out with someone else who totally disgusted me with the way he talked, act and ate, that I actually RAN in the opposite direction after I bid him farewell. Thank goodness I wouldn't have to run this time round (It is so unglamorous and sweaty!).

Who ever said that being nice is a fortunate thing, go bang your head against the wall please. Because being nice would only attract mental bruises, mental burdens and mental pain. I abhor being nice, especially to you.