Challenge (Day 8)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Before I start, I think that I should probably say this. When I first started doing this thing, it was suppose to be something done for leisure and to get to know myself better. However ever since day 4 when I missed the timeline by accident, everything started going out of hand. I was out on day 5, and by the time I got home it was past 12 midnight already. On day 6, for some unknown reason why I was super lethargic and practically slept the whole day.. Oh wait, I remember! I was feeling unwell. So yes I slept alot and yeah, I missed the timeline again, even though I tried to make a rough draft using my phone via WiFi, hoping that I could finish it up the next day on my laptop. And ummm I guess the fact that I refused to turn on my laptop that day (What! I made a vow before to never get addicted to the internet! I don't want to hog onto my laptop everyday!) resulted in day 6 to not get published on time.

Now, the whole challenge thing really seems like a challenge now, because I am constantly rushing to somehow chase up to my initial schedule, yet I am insistent on perfecting every entry and dictating every word of it from the bottom of my heart. I am technically suppose to be doing day 9 now, but as you can see, I am still on day 8. Sigh I have no idea how I even let things turn out this way, nonetheless I'm gonna keep trying to catch up to my initial pace while maintaining the quality of every entry.

Back to the main point of this entry.

#8: If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

Well.. This is one interesting question. I've often asked myself that question, and.. I always end up with that one same answer: nothing. I wouldn't deny that I don't really love my past, and if you were to ask me that question say.. a year ago, I would tell you that if I could change anything about myself, I would wanna change my past. For a young kid, I had a pretty traumatic childhood. Then when I entered my teens and thought that hey, things seem to be getting better, I got thrown with one shitty incident which pretty much scarred me so badly that till now, I'm still suffering from it on and off. Anyway, in plain simple words, I hated my past back then. I always thought that if I had a chance, I would do anything to give myself a better childhood, to retain some bits of innocence.

You know, sometimes when I look at Shiying and Sin Hui, I actually quite envy them as they still have that little bit of naivety in them. It makes me jealous. All the rough issues which I've undergone before, indeed that they toughened me up, however they also robbed me of every bit of that naivety at the same time. So yeah, I traded my innocence for maturity — advanced maturity actually. It's a rather high price to pay, but I accept it nonetheless. It has already happened and I gotta deal with it.

In a way, the whole advanced maturity thing has its own benefits. Well for one, it makes me appear friendly (in my opinion, too friendly) and approachable (too approachable you mean) because I can relate to people's issues easily and therefore they feel comfortable around me. I'm guessing that it is also part of the whole why I'm-An-ENFJ thing. You can say that I'm blessed (like how Shiying puts it) or that it is just what I'm suppose to go through. Either way, I no longer regret/hate having gone through all that shit despite how unpleasant they were, and really.. I have no intentions to repeat them again, no matter how beneficial they were.

In hindsight, if I have to change one thing about myself, then that would be realising all of these sooner. One thing always leads to another. When I took a step back and accepted this, I gained so much more. Take for example, realising and understanding all that I can be and can achieve, it was like being given a chance to do all the things which I have always wanted to do but I either did not have the guts to or that I was too caught up doing something absolutely redundant. I've been given a new life and I am not going to waste a bit of it anymore.

Whatever that I'm going to say next, you'll probably not understand unless you are one of my best friends, but hey I know that you are still gonna read this paragraph because it is of human nature to be nosy. Well, shit to that prophecy, I am going to live my life my way. I seriously need to start picking up my big yellow book again and to continue reading my buddhism book. Not to mention that my father just added another book to my reading list; the book is titled "Unlimited Power". That is going to be quite a read. Oh and, one more book — PSLE Science Revision Guide. For the first time ever, I am reading textbooks and guidebooks as though they are storybooks. How interesting is that. To think that when I was younger, I thought that textbooks and guidebooks were tree-killers and I wondered why people would even read those books unless they were forced to by their teachers. I even categorised those books as UN-readables, and the irony is that I am READING them now.

Alright I am digressing way too much. Typing gets as addictive as talking to myself. I am not psychotic, tyvm. I need to write day 9 tomorrow (or perhaps later on today). Must must must!