Formalities and pathetic jokes

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The night before this, I had a crazy fight with buddy (again). While we were searching for a resolution towards our vicious cycle of endless arguments, he made me realise one thing: no one ever knew that when I conjured an apology that is filled with formalities and pathetic jokes, it actually means that I can't be more sorry than I ever have and will be.

I doubt you'll probably ever forget how I forced you to go to all that social functions/appearances with me. And everytime after it has ended, and we get a moment for ourselves, that is when you'd lash it all out on me. Actually you would already start showing me a black face from the moment we get to the venue, just to emphasise that you are unhappy and you are very much unwilling to be at that place right then.

Hell knows why I never learnt from those many times you berated me, and I still continued to force you to attend those stupid things with me although I knew you wouldn't like it and would scream at me after it ends. I guess it's because I wanted your attention, even if it was the worst possible way that any girlfriend should be asking for. Or maybe it was also because I was still a child then? As ready as I had looked like, I guess I wasn't that ready afterall... Remember that day when we were in your room on your bed when talking things out as we tried to search for a solution to that mess which caused our break-up? Out of the blue you asked me to marry you, I was stunned, remember? Instead of crying out loud a mono-syllabus "YES!", I actually said 4 words, "What about your mom?". LOL. Like what kind of an answer was that?! That was a moment that I had been dreaming of for as long as I can remember, and... I don't know, things just didn't turned out the way I wanted, I didn't say the word that I had always dreamed of saying, we didn't end up getting a proper solution to our problems. We I chose the easy way out, and that was to run. I can't say that I regret doing it, because one thing has led to another, and if I were to regret having ran, then I'd be regretting who I am right now which I actually don't.

In season 3 episode 2 of Glee, one of the lines of Shelby Corcoran was this: "First step to being an adult: Stop punishing yourself for the things you did when you were a child." I want to forgive myself for how I forced you to attend those dumb social things, but I can't do it if you don't forgive me. Since we broke up, I kept thinking — why wouldn't he forgive me even though I've already bowed down and given him the most sincere apology that could ever come from me. And only the night before, I got my answer. It's because you never knew that I don't know how to apologise.

I suck at apologies. When I know that I am responsible for screwing up things with someone whom I care about, I get all nervous. So when I'm composing my apologies, it would normally comprise of formalities and pathetic jokes. Formalities because I want to tell you that I do still respect you, a lot. Pathetic jokes because all I want is for things to be better, so I add stupid senseless jokes, hoping to lighten up the dull and serious mood. When I come up with a brilliant apology that is your definition of sincere, it actually means that I didn't really mean it when I was saying sorry, I was mainly saying it for the sake of saying it, so yes that apology aren't a bit sincere at all. I'm good at coming up with that crap. I blame literature and the media.

You'll probably never see this entry, and I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to tell you any of these stuff that is written here. If I don't ever get a chance to while I'm still alive, then it will be my greatest regret in this lifetime. So yeap, that is all I have to say for now.

P.S. Have you ever heard that anything composed after 2am is very embarrassing and stupid, however those words are actually the most truthful ones that can ever come out of a person? It's 3.34am now by the way, just so you know.