Realisation

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I guess I never really quite got what they had between each other. I was too blinded by rage and hurt (I don't think either of you will ever understand the pain that you've caused me) to take notice of anything else. I might have been the one who loved him the most, however I aren't the one he let deepest into his heart. As much similarities as we seemed to have, we had more differences. From our likes to our aspirations.

To be the perfect one in his eyes, can you believe that I was stupid enough to deny what I truly liked? All so as to fit into his society, his world. Well no surprise there actually, I had been preparing myself silently since I was... 12? I suppose it wasn't a well thought-out plan afterall as I followed my kiddy instincts, childish thoughts and immature assumptions.

Someone said to me, "You're too pretty to be single". I said: "No, I'm too pretty to be lied to, cheated on and played with." For 5 consecutive years of my life, I had never been alone for one instance. There was always someone there. Someone to fill in the void once it got emptied. Now, there's going to be a whole new change to that system. Part of my reason for doing so is because it is termed as 'the right thing to do' by society, albeit few actually do bother to follow the protocols as they just can't seem to resist the many temptations in life. Another part is that I've gotten use to being alone. It doesn't take much for one to come up with that much of determination. All it takes is a severely broken heart that can never seem to heal properly. Nothing much yeah? *shrugs*

I'll never forget the moment when I made my decision to quit working at Esprit. I simply couldn't seem to see eye-to-eye with the temporary supervisor that came over to the outlet where I worked at, to supervise things in a different store for about a month. I remember how I started to dread work, how I dragged my feet to work, how I always ended up being late for work for up to half an hour albeit I managed to get to work in the past with half that amount of preparation time, how I started finding all sorts of excuses to avoid work and when off-days finally arrived, I'd be SO DAMN HAPPY. Frankly, I struggled hard to come to that decision. However I was glad I did, as I realised how much more there was for me out there. I couldn't find contend in that little store, facing clothes and hangers and customers and colleagues with bad fashion taste everyday. (They really should watch more runway videos or get some fashion magazines or a tumblr) Now, I do still visit the store occasionally to either check out the latest collections or just to say hi.

Every time that I'm back, I'll get asked whether I'm finally attached (Hell knows why they always ask me that question! LOL) and whether I would wanna work at the store again. For both questions, I would always reply with a straight direct definite no. There are many more fishes out in the sea and much more water out in the ocean, I want a rainbow fish that swims in the ocean. Oh! That reminds me of Rainbow Connection (it's the name of a nail polish colour) from OPI's holiday collection 2011: The Muppets. #cannotwaittogetitwithjoey

Anyway back to my initial topic, in every girl's heart, there will be a guy who lives in it always. For me, it's you. Sadly for me, I've finally realised that the one living in your heart isn't me and it will never be me.

So I'll be on my way at long last. There will be no turning back allowed.