Teach me how to let go

Monday, October 17, 2011

"Yeah, well... some people hang on when they should just let go."

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. It ranges from animations to action-packed movies, romance to comedies. That line quoted above, it came from "Raise Your Voice". I felt so undignified when I heard it. You don't just let go of someone with a snap of your fingers. Even if you want to, the thing is.. can you? Do you know how to let go of someone? Can someone even explain or elaborate to me how it is to let go of someone? Give me a manual, give me a guidebook, or even give me a textbook. I'll really read it, follow it, and do it. All that I've heard from everyone is, you'll let go as time passes by. Yeah well, trust me when I say that I wish that that is happening, the thing is... IT ISN'T.

You know what I see happening around? People forcing themselves to date others, people jumping into relationships, people making foolish decisions, people doing stupid things, people breaking other's heart... just so as to 'let go'. Seriously, is that what letting go is? Because if it is, then I'm never doing it. I'd rather never let go. I'm not gonna go around and break someone else's heart deliberately so as to pretentiously 'heal'. And I'm not going to let someone be a knight in shining armour and rescue the damsel in distress. It's stupid. All the fancy talk about saving someone, being saved by someone, forcing the person to go away or should I say, hurting someone just because you don't wish to drag him down with you. Let's face the truth here: You're just selfish. You don't wish to get hurt. You want to stop feeling pain. You chose yourself. Hey! Nothing wrong with that yo! You're being totally honest to yourself and to the whole wide world so what can anyone say shit about you? The only moment that they can is when you are lying to yourself. It's even worst than lying to the world because trust me, no one gives a fuck about you lying. Your words just go in through their right ear and come out from their left ear. What affects them is their pity for you as they see you not even realising that you are deceiving yourself.

For all I care, you can say that I'm lunatic. And I'll admit it, I'm drunk now. What's the big fuck about it? It's just liquor. It's just alcohol. I'll probably feel completely stupid when I wake up later on in the day and realised that I've typed this whole random chunk of crap but hey, I've never felt better letting all of these words out. You are as big as a liar as he was. Lying to me right in my face when I confronted him about you and her. Double the back-stab. FML. With each interrogation I forced upon him, I get a little bit of truth. And each little bit of that truth was akin to taking another stab to my heart. No, I'm nowhere near closure because I can never forget those bad moments. I WANT TO OKAY. I WANT TO BADLY. I wish they'd stop haunting me. I wish I'd stop dreaming about them. I wish they'd stop popping into my mind every waking hour of my life. You bitches took away the only dream I had, my most prized possession. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

AND YOU. YOU LEFT ME THERE TO DIE. What the fuck is wrong with you too. How could you do it. How could you promise me the world one minute, then turn your back on me the next and make me seem like the biggest fool of all centuries that have passed and will come. Now you're dating a Snow White!!! (No offence to her, but plenty for you) I don't know what else to say to you. Your actions have rendered me speechless. The ones you made when we were young, the ones you did when we were together, and the ones you chose since we broke up all the way till now.

I'm in this fucking ditch and albeit I've made progress, I don't know how to get out of it. I'm fucking running in bloody circles. Coming back to the same damn point every shitting time. It's as though I've missed a sign somewhere but I have no freaking clue what that sign is or where it even is. It sucks. Completely. I wonder every god damn day, why in hell am I still doing here?! I'm suppose to be long gone. This is a complete waste of my time. Why is it that after everything that I've done, everything that I've thought, everything that I've realised, everything that I've learnt, I AM STILL HERE. FML seriously. For some fucking reason, I'm here. AGAIN. Don't ask me to let go k. Because frankly I'm the one begging you now, LET ME GO. If he was sent to give me a second shot at life, then fine I accept it. I fully appreciate my second life so now please, let me enjoy it to the maximum and stop letting him hinder me from doing that. PLEASE REMOVE HIM. I don't care if you drive a car towards me and hit me down with it, and give me amnesia. I'd gladly lose all my memories of him. Just him okay. Keep all the rest. Anything that has a hint of being related to him, get rid of it. I bet my head will feel so light then that it might even fly.

I'm so tired right now that my eyes are shutting so I'm going to tie some stupid random shit just so as to give this a better ending and so that I'll end up dreaming of something real nice when I put this laptop away and plop my head onto my pillow. I'm going to get the 32GB white iTouch at the end of this month, and by the end of this year, I'm getting myself a Samantha Thavasa genuine leather bag. Then by June next year, I'll buy a white iPad 2. By the end of next year, I'll be getting a Mont Blanc watch. I'll probably ask Lex to get me a Burberry bag when he goes to HK next year. That depends though, because Burberry has been so commercialised now that it has pretty much lost its value in my heart. I know, it's so sad right. Oh well. I'm determined to go to Perth after 3 years. Right after my diploma. But to do so, I need to get the scholarship which means I'm going to have to work my ass off in school and in this world, I'll have to have no life. It's okay, I can accept that. I have my darling girlfriends, my shopping addiction and my nail polish collection. Life is good enough for me that way. Who ever said that I can never be pleased, I'm always greedy and never can be satisfied? Well whoever you are, EAT YOUR WORDS. Oh and yeah, I'm a cold-blooded freak.

Oooooh yeah... you've gotta love life.