Come hell or high water

Monday, May 7, 2012

It's 1:45AM. I should either be studying or practising my song for the performance this coming Friday. Instead, I spent the last 90 minutes watching Glee and TVD on my phone. Rod wouldn't be pleased tomorrow morning when he has a tough time waking me up, nonetheless the displeasure which he will be experiencing is (I hope) never enough to get him unhappy. Annoyed.. I highly doubt so. My prediction is that he'll get a good laugh instead at my unwillingness to crawl out of my bed then at my frantic race across my room as I rush to get ready for school and not be late! He loves me, I know. (:

Like c'mon, which guy wakes up at 6:58AM every morning (because I want to be woken up at 7AM) just to wake you up?

Frankly, I would be lying if I said that I hadn't talked about 'forever' with him. In fact, I made that point clear to him on our second date. I couldn't take any risk. It's either you are on the same track with me or you are not there at all. I shared with him the research that I have done over the past 2 years. My thoughts, my analogies, my evaluations, my conclusions, my wonders, my beliefs. I had him to make a promise with me on our second date, that we would never lie to each other nor omit any truth. We talked about everything under the sky. Even more than what I have ever told Kenny. That includes the truth on the case of HJ, one which I have lied to almost everyone of you who has the privilege of reading this blog. I guess my pride just couldn't lower itself for you dears. Awww...

I'm sorry for the lies I have told. Please try to understand the importance of a person's dignity. You are allowed to not forgive me, but I know you love me all the same. I love you too (:

I had absolutely no intention of ever mentioning HJ infront of Rod. It was that one night when my mom pushed me over the edge with a comment that she made, one which I took as a threat and as far as most of you know, I hate threats. I go berserk if anyone were to ever threaten me or make me feel uneasy. I'm not sorry for having a strong character. Anyway, we were sitting in a park at my area. It was late. My mom called (again). I refused to answer it. The next thing I knew, I was blurting everything out to Rod. From my fear for my parents to the bad history that I have with them. I told him how everything everyone sees that goes on in my family, is merely a facade in my opinion. One which I must put up with everyday, for they are my family. I live with them, I see them everyday, I eat with them, I meet them everyday. I have to find a way to move around the borders because life goes on irregardlessly. I cried before him, my make-up got washed away by my tears. I spilled out all the secrets that I have hidden deep down under in my heart. He didn't judge me like how Kenny would have. He didn't feel uneasy. He didn't twitch. His brows were knitted, not because I was a difficult girl, but rather because I was unhappy. He teared along with me. He held me tighter in his arms. He kissed my sweaty forehead and then my tear-stricken face. He smelled my hair and said that I still smell like flowers after I joked saying how I must stink now from not having showered for more than 24 hours.

I don't have to be perfect in front of Rod. I don't have to be a doll. I don't have to be an angel. He has seen me when I'm rude (unintentionally) to my parents and ticked me off for it. He has heard me swear and said in a mocking tone, "Aren't you the one who is suppose to be my role model and not swear?". He tells his close buddy that I am his priority. His favourite question is "So... when are we meeting again?", one that never fails to crack me up. He comes to my school to have lunch with me, and when I ask him to photocopy a paper for me (which I need for my Psychology project), he does it HAPPILY, WILLINGLY, WITH PRIDE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, TREATS IT AS THOUGH MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. Honestly, it is just a paper, and what's more when I asked him to do it, there was a photocopy shop just behind us. It wouldn't cost more than 30-cents (max?) to get it done. Yet he took my book over and in a cheery tone, he took up the favour.

I'm so sorry for having to be such a bitch by comparing BUT!!!! like how we were taught since we started learning Science in Primary 3, you will never know the DIFFERENCES until you COMPARE. While I was writing that chunk above, I was already comparing him and Kenny in my head. Kenny's reaction and facial expression, his tone and words and hostility. His pride and superiority. His insane requirement to put me down, make me feel inferior, and have him placed high above me, worshipping him as though he was a God. You know something, I should have said this long ago but I couldn't because I wasn't able to muster this feeling from deep within my heart however I can do so now, I AM SO GLAD THAT HE IS GONE. Before Rod, I threw away Kenny's belongings and his belated present which I never got around to complete and much less give to him. Rod had an extremely fun time cutting up and tearing up the towels. We decided to keep the big towel because I only embroidered a 'K' on it (which I de-stitched on the spot) and use it as a beach mat. I know you think that this is probably the worst thing that any girlfriend should ever do to her boyfriend, but hey what the hell, before he becomes my boyfriend, he has to be my best friend and best friends go through such shit together. Come hell or high water, we'll go through it together steadfastly.

"I want a relationship where we talk like best friends, play like kids, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like siblings."

I am not afraid to say what's on my mind in front of him. No one likes unhappiness, but how would you know that it is unhappiness that you'll face before you even attempt to step on that path? The more you choose your words, the more you will hide things and eventually secrets build up, walls start coming up and distance tears the relationship apart.

Yes, there are people out there who are greater than him. They can be more attractive, more intelligent, more caring and more fortunate. But that's life - full of temptations. I am not and will not be deceived by them. I am contended with what I have and that is Rod. Because I know that there are also people who are greater than me out there, and yet he chose me.

***


Alright, I am done on my evaluation on the current progress of my relationship. I have yet to do what I should have done which is to practise for my performance on Friday, and yknow what? I'm tired and sleepy. My eyelids are heavy. I will simply turn in for tonight and wake up before Rod wakes me up tomorrow morning and finish up what needs to be done. SCHOOL IS CRAZY. I kind of expected that in a way, it's just that I didn't imagine for things to be so insane and heavy-loaded. Nonetheless, work will come to a pause after this week, for my tutees' MYEs would have ended and thus the arrival of their June vacation. I can't wait for mine. 2 weeks, mid-June. BOOK ME NOW IF YOU WISH FOR ME TO ALLOCATE SOME TIME FOR YOU MY JUNE BREAK!!!! I've got a shitting lot of people to meet and somehow the list just keeps increasing. I swear that it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm attached now. I blame it all on school and work. I know better now to make an effort to continue upholding my social life despite my relationship. A girl has to ALWAYS have her friends and her freedom.