What's my calling?

Friday, September 7, 2012


Met Xian Yao for dinner today (yesterday). We ate at Orchard Ion's Burger King then moved on to some high-end café called Antoinette at Mandarin Gallery where we had hot chocolate and ice-cream.

The hot chocolate was very very very creamy. As like how I described to him, it's like having a chocolate bar but in liquid form. He laughed. I'm not sure if the laughter was because of what I said, or whatever else that is on his mind.

He is one of the people I know whose mind I cannot read because it is constantly fluttering from one subject to another, even though we were once very close. I guess too much has happened and even though I do try to get close to him again — to get back to the stage of our friendship when we would be bitching about the outfits of random strangers we meet on public transports or public places via texts, comfort each other when shit happens, be happy together when good things occur, or when we are seriously very bored and just want some entertainment.. I don't think we will ever return to that paradise. He seems very very distanced from me now. I really miss those days. Sometimes I get afraid of losing him. He means a lot more to me than I do ever realise, and honestly I doubt he knows that. Random picnic on the beach of Sentosa, with sushi and strawberry cheesecake. I'll always remember that.

As he updated me on life and his mission, he got me wondering.. What's the calling of my life? I had always assumed it to be something in the healthcare industry because of this incident when I was a kid.. I went to Thailand with my family, we went to this temple and there was this monk. He was one of the elders there, and he was very fond of me. Always held my hand and gave me special treatment as compared to everyone else. I swear that it wasn't because I was the youngest. There was once when I went, there was another kid (my mom's client's son) who was younger than me, and yet he still doted on me more! No.. I don't think he is a paedophile.

Anyway, he was a Thai (duh!) and could speak little English. He couldn't say my name but he had a nickname for me, it was "doctor". I think I heard it from my relatives or my parents, that he called me that as I would grow up to be a doctor. Therefore, since then.. I took it as my calling that I would be a doctor when I grew up.

Oddly enough.. At the end of my secondary 2 year, when I had to pick the subjects that I would major in my upper secondary years.. I actually had to contemplate between picking Pure Geography or Biology. The dilemma back then was: I loved Geography vs. I need to take Biology to be a doctor. In the end, I gave in to my interest and chose Pure Geography over Biology. I've never regretted that decision. Studying Pure Geography was so much joy! LOVE LOVE LOVE, LOVED IT!

So.. here I am in Occupational Therapy. Here because I always thought that my calling was the healthcare industry and I cannot possibly ever get sacked or be deprived of a job in this sector, the pay is pretty good, it isn't that boring (I think) and umm.. my sister is a nurse, my dad is a chinese physician, thus it is a good to have another family member in the medical industry...? Sigh. Shitty reason I know. I only realise it now. All the times that people would exclaim and give positive remarks on how there is this "medical" trend in my household.. I guess it feels good to a certain extent, however.. to be frank, every time I hear that, deep inside me, there would be this deep pang of doubt and guilt whacking me. Is that a sign that hey, this isn't my calling?

I told my OT friends.. I find studying diseases and illnesses to be interesting. Well, hell yeah it is. I guess I like it.. but I don't love it! I don't find myself pouring over every detail of the disease, unlike how I was pouring over every new term that I was learning for Sociology and Psychology. Getting all excited when I knew that people who enjoyed withholding their faeces when they were a kid, would grow up to be neat and tidy people (or possibly develop OCD) when they grew up!

I don't know what I love! I don't know what I want to do! If you consider being a socialite, being able to be decked out in pretty clothes, have pretty shoes, wear gorgeous polishes and nail art on my nails, as something that I want to do, then yeap I guess it counts. If not, I have no freaking idea at all!

I don't want to be like my parents... working as insurance agents because it provides them the means to support the family and give my sister and I, a good life. They don't like it. They told me that before. Nonetheless they just kept going at it, just for my sister and I.

As grateful and honourable I am for their sacrifice... I don't wish to do that. I don't want to earn a living for the sake of earning a living. I will never get far in my life if I were to do that. Like what Xian Yao said.. it is that passion, that 'calling', that intrinsic motivation which brings you far. I don't want to live my life for extrinsic motivation. It is a dead boring life, and I LIVE to live. So someone please, tell me what the fuck should I do?

If there is one thing I love, it would be being pretty... Materialistic I know, but at least I'm being honest. Henceforth, guide me, enlighten me, show me a way!!!

There is more to life.. that I know, but what is it exactly?