Daybreak rant

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I called this a "daybreak rant" because it is currently 4.30am in the morning and I have just packed my things and got ready for bed. I have a report (2000 words MININUM, FML) due on Monday and I am not even halfway there yet, which explains why I am still awake. But anyway this entry aren't about my report. This blog entry is about "public image".

I'm not talking about PDA or anyone who has no sense of upholding their public image because they are unable to properly regulate their emotions. In fact, this entry is about the excessive need to uphold one's public image because technology is so advance right now that your reputation can be ruined in seconds.

Ok my whole train of thoughts started out with my Dayre entry today (yes I have a Dayre in case you didn't know, and my username is @sophleow if you are keen in following me)(scratch that, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ME!)(okay I didn't mean to sound so demanding but please do follow me) and I was wondering... Why am I so NOT into Instagram? I used to love Instagram like mad and I would spend hours each day on Instagram. Nowadays I find it a pain in the ass to have to even upload a photo on Instagram because I feel so stressed when I'm uploading!!! It's like... There is this pressing need to upload pretty, proper, perfect, nice photos! Because that's the THING that people wanna see!!! Well unfortunately, my life is not that pretty, proper, perfect and nice. I can't say I like how my life is right now but I guess it's fine.

I guess I am suppose to feel guilty and ashamed when I say this, but I don't feel any of those emotions at all because I'm being honest when I admit that I am a high-maintenance person. I think that my life when I had my gap year was THE BEST year of my life because I was able to work and the income I got from being a full-time tutor supported my high-maintenance life (it was restaurants, pool and shopping all the time back then, wasn't introduced to caf├ęs yet and I didn't have that much of a thing for bars and clubs).
Right now as a full-time student, I don't have the time to be a tutor anymore and so no money for the high maintenance life. Plus with the need to churn out blog reviews every few weeks or so, it's hard to find the time to work for anything else. Therefore if any of you instashop or blogshop owners are keen in making use of my average 2.5k monthly blog views by advertising with me, just drop me an email k! (Email address available at the right, at my bio)

Anyway back to my main point, I felt stressed over what to post or to write on instagram because I feel like it is the key to gaining more viewers for my blog. Henceforth, one wrong move/word/pic and they would say "BYEBYE!" I love seeing pretty pictures of myself. But umm ironically, I feel paiseh quite easily too. For example, when I ask Rod to snap pics of me in public areas and when I'm posing, if anyone were to stare/look at me and I notice it, I would tell Rod to hurry up because I feel paiseh. If not, when I see a good spot with good lighting or a nice background to take photos, I would look around first and see if there is anyone around. If got people around, I would see if we can loiter there for maybe 5 seconds till the person go away, and if the person still doesn't go away, then I'll just forget about it all and forgo taking the pic.

Therefore I struggle when I don't have a pretty picture of myself or of anything at all to post on Instagram. I do snap pics but they are just pics of real stuff in my life which I am not sure if people are interested of. The pics are like... Pics of the vegetables that I planted in school for my module on horticulture. I get it if people would like a picture of a flower but, I've got pictures of vegetables. You're probably wondering, "Why plant vegetables then?!" Well that's because I feel a greater sense of satisfaction planting something which has some other proper use instead of just seeing and admiring it's beauty. ALSO, in an attempt to defend my veggies, they have their own beauty too k!!! I am super proud of my bai cai and my long bean plant! I recently plucked the leaves of my long bean plant so as to bring them home for my mom to cook noodles with, and yesterday evening, my friend helped me to harvest my bai cai because it reached the proper height for harvesting and then brought it to my house for me (Thank you, Joey!)

So anyway my phone is filled with pics of these kinda real stuff. Stuff which means a lot to me but I don't know if people will share that meaning and joy with me. And so I hesitate to post it up on instagram and I post it on my Dayre instead, since I have 5 followers as of now and so no pressure because no one really posts perfect photos in Dayre anyway.

In conclusion, I hate this whole having a perfect public image shit. And I am done with being perfect. I will leave being perfect for when I am dead, and for now while I am alive, I will focus on being real. So if you see me posting up stupid pics, just know that it's just me being real. And funny. And stupid. Because life is short and when I am an old hag, I wanna look back at all the photos that reflect the reality of my life back at that moment, and to immerse myself in the moments of my life when I was younger. Such as when I first had my very own long bean plant...